Tuesday, December 15, 2020

Immersed in hundreds and hundreds of weird, arbitrary celebrations over the last eleven and a half months, I have been somewhat shielded from the madness of 2020. For that I’m partly grateful, and partly spiteful because I could have used that time to learn how to crochet. Or whittle. Or perhaps invent some craft that no one had thought of yet, like sponge-sculpting. Or crushed velvet origami. Velvigami. Or carefully carving intricate landscapes into slices of processed cheese. But no, we are back in the muck of perpetual celebration. Yesterday we kept it light, because to do otherwise would have countered my stated claim at the day’s opening to relax. Maybe do some online crushed velvet shopping. Here’s what we got up to:

National Monkey Day

In looking over the roster of potential Monday parties, I quickly tossed bouillabaisse day to the curb, as I had no desire to make it, and less desire to eat it. National Alabama Day was supposed to mean baking something called a Tomato Pie, but that is in the re-working stage. When it came down to it, National Monkey Day was the only day that screamed to me in a frequency I could groove to.

What can we learn about monkeys? According to one source, you can distinguish monkeys and apes from other primates because they have (a) two pectoral nipples and no more, and (b) a “pendulous” penis, which sounds like they’re bragging to me. Also, they have no whiskers. The smallest monkey is the pygmy marmoset, which tops out at 4.6 inches tall, so if you’re looking for a pet that can play with your G.I. Joes, you should track one down. Monkeys make for terrific service pets, with a career span of up to 30 years. You won’t get 30 years out of a service dog.

Monkeys beat us into space, and occasionally even returned to earth alive. Monkey brains are not just a grotesque plot device in an Indiana Jones movie – they are actually a delicacy in parts of Asia and Africa. It’s not just their brains though. Monkey meat is devoured in Africa, in Mexico, and it has been imported into America, possibly (though no one has accused them of this yet) by Jack-In-The-Box.

National Monkey Day was concocted by two Michigan State artists. They were (I’m guessing here) looking for a reason to down some drinks on December 14, and either Casey Sorrow or Eric Millikin came up with this. They began to work it into their artwork, and it has grown to be an animal rights celebration, at least in my eyes. Monkeys are fantastic, and absolutely worthy of celebration. If we weren’t overrun by a pandemic, I’d invite a bunch of them over for a  good ol’ monkey party. Unfortunately, that will have to wait until next year.

Seasonal Depression Awareness Month

Seasonal Depression? Nah, in this household we call it Seasonal Affective Disorder because the acronym SAD is too delightful not to use. Dr. Norman E. Rosenthal (who may or may not have delivered a baby, but we’ll let him continue to use the term ‘Dr.” because he has a penis) coined the term in 1984. He was experiencing this himself, and wanted to know why he felt the need to crank up the Air Supply ballads and weep into his shag carpet every year around December through February.

There are numerous reasons this condition exists. And it exists in species beyond ours. It has to do with reduced sunlight, reduced food supply, and for some, simply the fact that winter sucks ass. It’s something that drags me into the murk every year, though I feel this should be a February observance. December is the initial onset of winter, before the dirt infests the snowbanks, and when colourful lights cut through the white and make the world look aesthetically joyous.

This year I will not be investing in one of those fancy lamps to emulate the light of the sun, though it was on my wish list before the world was shaken up. I’m spending my days beside the large sunny window pictured above, so I’m hoping the experiment of perpetual sunlight throughout the winter will result in a happier outcome.

This year it will likely hit some folks harder than most years, just due to the fact that the world is soaking in chaos. Please reach out for help if you need to, buy yourself one of those lights if you think it might help, and if possible, stay close to the windows. Summer will return.

Two is enough for a Monday off. The days are oozing ever closer to the calendar’s end, and the fumes which propel us forward will have this to choose from today:

  • National Cupcake / Lemon Cupcake Day. We have so many cookies and sweet assorted foodstuffs in the house, this seems unnecessary.
  • Cat Herders Day. This is a day to ruminate over how much your chosen employment is akin to herding cats. Maybe Jodie should take this one.
  • National Wear Your Pearls Day. I don’t have any, but I could hang a Janis Joplin album around my neck. Close enough?
  • International Tea Day. This one we will handle.
  • Zamenhof Day. We already celebrated Esperanto once this year, which was far more than I feel was necessary.

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