Thursday, December 3, 2020

If this year has been a roll down a rocky hill in one of those big inflatable plastic balls, then that might explain my perpetual dizziness. That dizziness might also be a perpetual fog of dogs, celebrations, and my feeble attempts to redefine the world outside my door. It’s a scary world, one I’m thrilled to only have to visit on occasion. 2020 has made me a happy hermit. Is this a terrible thing? I suppose we’ll have to wait to see the long term effects of it, which will all come into focus ages after I’ve stopped reporting on my daily festivities. Wish me luck; there’s no going back now. But we can flip back one day and check out all of this fun crap:

National Package Protection Day

Here I was, ready with a batch of bubble-wrap, set to show off how we’ll be protecting the contents of the holiday packages we’re sending out. But that’s not what this day is about. Landing the requisite number of days after folks have allegedly been in a mad shopping sprint, this is a day to remind us that nefarious and dastardly villains are moseying through our cities and towns, looking for porch packages to pilfer. It’s a weird and disgusting trend that has become the fallout of our order-online culture.

Naturally this was started by one of those companies who sell doorbell cameras, the footage of which we have seen numerous times on social media, asking if anyone knows the prick who helped themselves to an Amazon box on somebody’s doorstep. I absolutely see the value in purchasing one of those set-ups, though I’d rank it below the importance of having a webcam on in your house while you’re at work so you can watch your dogs. I’d absolutely want one of those first.

If I needed it. The beauty of our lives in 2020 is that we don’t have to worry about porch pirates showing up and plundering our Amazon goods. I’ve been working from home for the last eight months, and I easily spot out my window whenever a delivery truck shows up. But for those of you not fortunate enough to be stationed overtop your front door all day, this is something to look into. Be safe. Protect your shit.

Play Basketball Day

I found a twelve year old post on a page called “The Bullsheet” that cited this one. This is a website that provides radio DJs with talking points about pop culture so they don’t have to think up things to say on their own. The post from 2008 calls this ‘Play Basketball Day’, so I guess that’s enough to make it valid for our purposes. It could be that The Bullsheet was running low on things to include for that day so they made it up, but we will never know the truth on this one.

The problem, of course, is that we can’t actually play basketball. I have three basketballs, all of which are lacking air. I have a basketball net in our back yard, but there are patches of snow and ice all over the cement around it, and it’s not even remotely safe. I could go to the YMCA and indulge in a game with some strangers, but (a) I am far too out of shape to do that, and (b) I don’t even know if the YMCA is open right now. If it is, then let’s add (c) I have zero desire to leave the house and go indulge in a public activity.

But that didn’t stop me from lobbing one of my flaccid basketballs through the hoop. If we can’t celebrate this one fully, we can at least do the minimum to qualify, right?

Business Of Popping Corn Day

What makes this different from National Popcorn Day, or National Popcorn Month, both of which we have already celebrated this year? Well… kind of nothing. I found a page that indicates we should not be popping our own in the microwave because that isn’t commercial-grade popcorn production, and therefore does not conform to the limitations of the day. It’s that kind of elitist, arbitrary specificity that truly makes this project an enjoyable journey into anal-retentive minutiae. I love it.

We would have ideally scooted over to the nearby multiplex and purchased a big ol’ overpriced thing of movie theatre popcorn, topped with whatever butter-tasting chemical spews out of those little nozzles. We have done that before: bought popcorn from the theatre then brought it home to eat in front of our TV. But theatres are closed at the moment, so this wasn’t possible.

We did happen to have some kettle corn we’d purchased from the snack aisle at the grocery store though. This was no doubt popped by some large commercial-grade contraption, and absolutely counts as ‘business’ corn. I guess. I’m just trying to follow these weird guidelines the best I can. And given that no one is policing my efforts, we’ll call my mid-afternoon snack a win.

Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree Lighting

Jodie is – and this will surprise no one who knows her – a massive fan of the Christmas tree outside of 30 Rock. It’s a spectacular display, there’s no question. And the ceremony when it gets lit is a big day for New Yorkers, with thousands and thousands of visitors, precisely zero of whom have been invited to participate this year.

The good news is that the lighting was broadcast online last night, so everybody could tune in and check it out. The bad news is that Jodie had a class that kept her away from the screen and she had to settle for watching it after the fact.

That’s okay – we still call it a celebration when it’s something as awesome as this. Maybe next year we’ll get to see it in person. Who knows?

Today looks like a light one, celebration-wise. That’s good, because I have plenty to keep me busy, other-stuff-wise. Here’s what’s up:

  • National Roof Over Your Head Day. A day to be grateful for the roof over our head. This is not something to take lightly, though it is a little weird that it shows up so soon after Thanksgiving, which should cover this.
  • Let’s Hug Day. Okay, we can do that.
  • Make A Gift Day. Like, make a craft to give as a gift? I can’t think of anyone I like so little that I’d subject them to my craft skills.
  • National Green Bean Casserole Day. Also a day for those of us who can’t stand green bean casserole to say, “Fuck no!”
  • National Apple Pie Day. Already celebrated back on May 13. We are well into rerun country here.

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