Wednesday, October 7, 2020

If there has been one constant throughout 2020, it has been schmutz. For those of you with the misfortune to not have been raised in a sea of Yiddishisms, ‘schmutz’ refers to dirt or debris. “You’ve got some schmutz on your tie, probably from that blintz you had at lunch.” 2020 has been all schmutz, little substance. The wold still percolates with potential and boasts its bodacious beauty all over the place, but this year it has been obscured with the schmutz of violence, politics and illness. Even this once-ambitious project has been weighted down with the schmutz of Covid limitations and mental exhaustion. But we’re here to wipe that away every morning and try to start fresh. Here’s how we entertained our demons yesterday:

National Eat Fruit At Work Day

According to the official website of this day – and yes, a day this simple can still have its own website; I’m not the web police – “this monumental annual holiday will change the way you think about snacking at work – forever.”

I think The Fruit Guys, the fruit distributors who instigated this holiday, may have overestimated the power of their efforts. I don’t believe the word ‘monumental’ applies to this celebration. Yesterday we delved into heady topics like prostitution and overwhelmed teachers. I don’t think grabbing a banana to snack on between meetings today is going to be a monumental event in anyone’s life, unless they happen to choke and die. But I suspect (and hope) The Fruit Guys aren’t looking for that sort of result.

Fruit is certainly a better alternative than most for workplace snacking. And most workplaces are chock full (right up to the chock) of other distractions: vending machines, fast food outlets, convenience stores and an unending stream of birthday cakes for Helen in HR or whoever. Those of us fortunate to work from home can avoid most of those distractions… or stock up on them if we’d prefer.

I had some grapes at work yesterday. It was an easy decision to make, as we already had the grapes on hand and my kitchen is roughly 20 feet away from my workplace right now. Of course if you’re feeling more devoted to the cause, the website above includes a diorama photo contest. Sounds like a great way to pass the time, assuming you’ve got the time to spare.

National Plus Size Appreciation Day

A healthy body image is a good thing. And obviously obesity is not an ideal situation, though there are different levels of obesity. Sometimes it’s a condition that can be eradicated with a few weeks of good diet and exercise. Sometimes it’s genetic or medical, and can require a much longer lifestyle change. I have known people for my entire life who have seen their body as a cruddy blob on its way to something better, and I think we’re all tuned in enough by now to know that this is horse-hockey.

Humans are meant to offer variety in shape and size. This is the way it has always been, and if we all fit neatly into the same outfits it would be boring. Plus size folks have curves. They have jiggle. Curves and jiggle are not a bad thing. In fact, some of us prefer some curves and jiggle in our prospective mates and in our prospective selves.

I offer the above photo of Trixie’s gut-parts because she too has fluctuated in weight in her near-half-decade on this planet. She has been plus size and what the vet calls ‘healthy size’. When she’s plus-size that just means more belly to rub. I know, as responsible dog owners we do try to keep her in the healthy range, but as mentally healthy humans (relatively, today at least) we also know that people should not shy away from their plus-ness. One can be plus size and healthy, and one can be plus size and smokingly sexy.

Big hugs to all us big folks today – or yesterday, I guess. And that includes the chubby dogs.

National Transfer Money To Your Daughter Day

Yes, our kid sent us a reminder about this day last weekend. Lucky for her, this is a relatively light day in terms of celebrations we can dig into. We send her money every two weeks on my payday because she is still in school, living in the most expensive city in the nation, and she needs to eat. She’d probably do just fine without our help, but we’re happy to support her with what we can. Besides, April is coming. She’ll be done soon and we’ll be off the hook.

So since we sent over a bushel of cash (electronically, we don’t actually measure our budget in bushels) last week, Jodie transferred $5 to her yesterday. Just so we can say we did the thing on the day we were supposed to do the thing.

That’s how the magic is made, people. We do what we’ve got to do when the calendar says we’ve got to do it.

There is no official history of this day, but if you’re thinking that it was started by some daughter who needed some cash from her parents, then you’re using the same logic that’s rhumbaing through my head.

Maybe we need to start a Transfer Money To Your Parents Day? My mom might be on board for that, and I’m sure she’ll tell me as much in a text shortly after she reads this. Thanks for being a fan, Mom! Sorry that day doesn’t exist!

Garlic Lovers Day

We already celebrated National Garlic Day back on April 19. It was the same day as National Amaretto Day, so my memory of the event is somewhat sketchy, but it’s right there in my records so it must have happened.

So what is the difference between National Garlic Day and Garlic Lovers Day, apart from almost exactly six months? Absolutely nothing. Neither is official, neither is exclusionary of the other, and they both deliver the same goal: eat some garlic and enjoy it. This is well within our abilities, so we did this once more.

Yesterday I enjoyed some of my homemade burgers for lunch, which included delicious, wonderful garlic as part of the recipe. It was wonderful. Garlic is wonderful. Everything is wonderful. But the burgers aren’t as pretty as the scallops we had last weekend for Fried Scallops Day, and since those involved more garlic (and because I took two pretty photos and didn’t want one to go to waste), I’m showing a picture of that instead.

And off we go into the wild tie-dye yonder of another crazy Wednesday! The clock is ticking, the calendar is getting ready to fall off the wall, and we’ve got all this to dive into:

  • Canadian Craft Beer Day. We are 100% prepared for this one, which should surprise nobody.
  • National Walk To School Day. I don’t see Jodie walking to school, unless you count walking to her computer to access her online school courses.
  • National Pumpkin Seed Day. If you’ve got ‘em, roast ‘em.
  • National Coffee With A Cop Day. I’m not having coffee with anyone right now.
  • National Chocolate-Covered Pretzel Day. Anyone up for stink-palming their enemies?
  • National LED Light Day. We will celebrate a certain kind of light. Why not, 2020 is up for anything.
  • National Frappe Day. Maybe Jodie will stop for a Frappuccino from Starbucks. Not likely, but maybe.
  • National Inner Beauty Day. Will I use another pic of my dogs? I might.
  • Random Acts of Poetry Day. Maybe I’ll scream some verse from my window.
  • Balloons Around The World Day. Maybe we will take a balloon trip around the world. This seems unlikely.
  • Bathtub Day. Do we bathe? Or make cheap prohibition gin?
  • National Flower Day. Makes sense, as most of the flora around here is dying.
  • National Kale Day. Nope!
  • National Forgiveness and Happiness Day. Good, combine both of these oft-repeated sentiments into yet another celebration.

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