There once was a lengthy vacation
‘Twas plagued with a long celebration;
The calendar ruled,
The ideas pooled,
And offered us food and libation.
The twelfth of May carries a curse
That sets this whole piece into verse;
Alas, I’ve the time
To create all this rhyme
About fudge and stuff; could be worse!
National Limerick Day
Its origins? Well, here’s the scoop:
A fad, like a pog or Gwyn’s Goop;
A laugh, a demean,
And they’re often obscene,
With a gag about butts, boobs or poop.
Blame old Edward Lear for its stardom,
And George Bernard Shaw would oft bard them,
(I hope you don’t wretch
When my rhymes are a stretch;
For if so, we will not get too far-dom.)
Were limericks born up in Ireland?
Or some other water or fire land?
It could be, but hey,
The origins are grey,
Or locked up in history’s mire, man.
While limericks’ roots may be hazy,
I’d hate you to think that I’m lazy;
I’ll stick with this form
And I’ll weather the storm
And I’ll write until it makes me crazy.
So if you can master the rhythm,
And dream up some rhymes to go with ‘em,
I’ll say to your face,
“You’re a limerick ace,
A poet of true archaism.”
National Nutty Fudge Day
So what can I say about fudge?
My knowledge is lacking – don’t judge.
I hate to sound hasty
But damn is it tasty,
For some from my chair I would budge.
This foodstuff was born in the States,
Though no one is clear on the dates;
The late 1800s
Was when wives and husbands
Agreed that this stuff was just great.
The secret, I’m told by good friends,
Is to use the canned milk that’s condensed;
It makes the stuff creamy
(and so fucking dreamy)
You’ll eat every crumb to the ends.
The kitchen where our fudge came from:
Our resident baker (hi, Mom!);
All pros and no cons,
She added pecans,
And whipped up this batch with aplomb.
So grab yourself some; it’s delicious!
(if not altogether nutritious)
Devour a lot down,
Who cares? We’re on lockdown!
No need to be under-ambitious.
International Nurses Day
Another grand tribute to nurses,
Who save us from riding in hearses;
They change all the bedding
And ease the blood-letting,
Then ward off those medical curses.
Through hellish disease they have stayed;
They’ve sweated and cried and they’ve prayed;
Where others would crumble
Our nurses are humble,
Despite being oft underpaid.
They don’t want us calling them heroes,
Just quit casting votes for those zeroes
Who show no respect
For the way they protect
Us from illness – just pay them deniros!
For all that they do we are grateful;
They’ve always got more than a plateful,
Our worries they smash in
With kindness, compassion,
And patience and warmth – they are trait-ful!
With nurses we’ll get through this crisis,
Go back to our usual vices;
They’ll dole out their skills
To temper our ills,
Like gunshots or anxiolysis.
National Fibromyalgia Awareness Day
Today we are raising awareness
Of something that’s soaked in unfairness,
Its symptoms are pain,
And numbness and strain,
And some say it could leave you hairless.
Well no, I’m afraid I was fibbing;
I wandered off-book, was ad-libbing;
Don’t panic there, y’all,
You will not go bald
From fibromyalgia; I’m ribbing.
But this cruel disease is no joke;
Your whole body pain will provoke;
It isn’t endemic,
Though may be genetic;
And no concrete tests are invoked.
While fibromyalgia’s a curse
(which sure could be soothed by a nurse),
They don’t know the cause,
Some theories give pause,
And treatment? Not one. How perverse!
And so those who suffer such strife
May be burdened for all of their life;
My heart sheds a tear
For this illness is near:
A sufferer here: it’s my wife.
And so I wrap up with this poetry,
This clumsy attempt-not-to-blow-itry;
As a deft language nerd
I composed fewer words,
And I’ll stand and give praise even though it’s me.
Here’s today’s stuff:
- National Crouton Day. Caesar salad, or some sort of salad, will work its way into dinner.
- National Frog Jumping Day. Watching two portly out-of-shape middle-agers with various pain conditions try to leap frog one another should be entertaining for the dogs.
- National Apple Pie Day. Again, trying to tone down the sweets, so this may appear only as a tribute.
- National Fruit Cocktail Day. We already bought this, so this will definitely be a food item on the menu.
- National Receptionists Day. We both work with great receptionists, who are both stuck with little to receive.
- Fair Trade Day. I work in the world of fair trade, so maybe I’ll have something to say about it. It won’t be in verse though – my head hurts.
- International Hummus Day. I was looking forward to this one.
- Donate A Day’s Wages to Charity Day. Wait, what? Oh… Alright, we’ll do this.
- Cough Drop Day. Yum.
- World Cocktail Day. You don’t say? Well you know we’ll be observing this one.
- Tulip Day. A delightful little flower.