Thursday, April 9, 2020

Those cosmic vibrations are still ricocheting off the clouds, even with the populace crammed beneath plaster and shingle. The magic is still out there at the base of the straw of humanity, waiting for us to collectively suck it deep into our beings so that it can take the wheel and steer us right. Keep your sanity in check and your spirits as lofty as you can oomph them – the party may have wound down, but it’s never stopping. How could it with all this fun to be had?

National All Is Ours Day

Of all the pinko, commie, socialist celebrations of the year, this may be the pinko-est. Which is why we should celebrate it boldly – it commands us to take stock of nature and all the glory within our little pale blue dot and to hold it close. All that crazy nature out there, just waiting for people to step back into it and find wayward Pokemon or pass out drunkenly beneath its branches? It belongs to all of us, and this is the day to remind ourselves of that.

Or is it? Another source tells me this is the day to appreciate all the stuff we have. I mean – I guess it could be that. We have lots of stuff that we are grateful to own… but that would be All This Is Ours Day. “All is Ours” suggests a greater ‘all’ belonging to everyone.

Another interpretation is that we should use this day to share what we have with others. That would be All Mine Is Yours Day, wouldn’t it? It’s looking like no one really knows anything about this day, and we can do with it as we please. Since remarking that my TV is nice and I’m glad to own it sounds kind of tame, and since lending our shit to other people doesn’t fit in with social distancing and proper virus etiquette, we’ll go with definition #1.

Nature is putting on its best for much of the northern hemisphere right now, as spring crawls ragged from amongst the shrapnel of winter. We can get out there and appreciate it, as long as we steer clear of other humans. Yesterday evening Jodie and I took the dogs for a spin around the block and we paused to appreciate some of the more lovely slices of nature in our neighbourhood. Well – most of them will eventually be lovely, once the flowers and leaves step up. Edmonton is historically behind the rest of the world when it comes to springtime. The photo above is from last fall, before the world got ugly, cold and scary.

All is ours. All is everyone’s. Go out there and love it. Just be safe.

Trading Cards For Grownups Day

I have no interest in collecting trading cards, Jodie even less so. When I was a kid I briefly went through a hockey card phase, before realizing I don’t care at all about hockey or hockey cards or garbage-tasting gum. In high school I bought a few packs of Operation: Desert Storm cards (I got General Schwarzkopf!) but I never completed the collection. Because that would have been a weird waste of money that I could have spent on CDs and weed.

Yesterday I found a few examples of strange trading cards. These are all 100% real:

  • Blair Witch Project cards: there were 72 in total, and each was creepy.
  • ALF cards: lots of pics of everyone’s 18th favourite alien, along with witty phrases like “Brother, can you spare a cat?” and “It’s tough being a living legend!”
  • SNL cards: fans of Saturday Night Live might want cardboard cards depicting Rob Schneider as the photocopier guy or Jane Curtin tearing upon her shirt on Weekend Update, but this is still weird. Also, this was in 1992 so it’s all older stuff.
  • New Kids On The Block cards: There were five of these guys, and dozens of cards. Each had little facts about the boys on the back, like their favourite colour and possibly their favourite brand of fertilizer.
  • Back To The Future II cards: want some collector’s items for a sequel that left many of its fans confused over the implications of timelines? Better than a deck of cards from Biff’s casino.
  • Howard The Duck: I bet the gum was better than the movie.
  • Dinosaurs Attack: A bunch of cards featuring dinosaurs murdering people in different locales.
  • Serial Killer cards: anyone looking to trade for a Berkowitz because you have an extra Dahmer laying around?
  • Celebrity Tombstone cards: just pics of headstones. For the morbid collector.

Dog Fighting Awareness Day / Dog Farting Awareness Day

Yes, really.

Yesterday was the day to bring attention to the horrific act of dogfighting that still takes place all over the world. Any human who would take part in this activity – as a trainer, as an observer, as a gambler, whatever – is a despicable soul who deserves to be in the ring themselves, getting ripped apart by savage teeth. That said, please don’t share photos of scarred or mutilated dogs on social media. You aren’t helping. Chances are everyone who follows your feed is already disgusted by this act, or else you know a bunch of sociopaths and they won’t care about the shock value.

I applaud anyone who has the ability to shut these things down and does so. Even when the current president made it a felony to abuse animals, I applauded him. Yes, even him. Dogfighting is not a victimless crime. Apart from the canine victims, all of humanity is the victim as this act debases us collectively. It’s shitty without exception.

But this is also (apparently) a day to pay attention to the foul stench that some dogs… okay, probably all dogs emit from their posterior. We have bulldogs so we are very familiar with this phenomenon. Trixie’s blasts are often audible and occasionally startle her. Rosa prefers to keep them silent but oh-so-deadly. Her gas can peel the paint off a plane passing overhead. Liberty we’re not sure about yet – her ass hasn’t made a significant impression on our noses yet.

There are foods you can feed your dogs to reduce their flatulence, but we don’t really care about that. Bulldogs have legendarily sensitive digestion systems, so we stick with seafood kibble and raw, and while those are really healthy for our pups (and they love their food), they also create notably rotten stenches. Their health is more important than our nasal well-being though, so we deal with it.

If you also have a tremendously flatulent pup, embrace it. Better to have a dog with a stink than no dog at all.

Draw A Picture of a Bird Day

It was Draw a Picture of a Bird Day. Abbey drew the above picture of a bird. Ain’t it great?

Today we probably won’t be instructed to draw any pictures, but who knows? I still find out about some of these on the actual day. Here’s what we know we’ve got:

  • National Cherish An Antique Day. What is our most prized antique? We’ll find out today.
  • National Chinese Almond Cookie Day. Another thing we can’t run to the market to pick up.
  • National Name Yourself Day. Another day about names, so that will be fun. Maybe we’ll come up with porno names or something.

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